How to Meditate Properly (Without Turning Into a Pretzel)

Date: May 10th, 2025

Once, a young monk approached his master and asked, “Master, how long must I meditate to reach enlightenment?” The master replied, “Ten years.” The monk gasped, “Ten years? But what if I try really hard?” The master paused, stroked his beard, and said, “Ah… then twenty years.”

Moral of the story? Trying too hard defeats the purpose. Meditation isn't a race to enlightenment; it's more like sipping tea in silence while the world rushes by—and realizing the tea tastes better that way.

Let’s walk through how to meditate properly, in a way that’s realistic, sustainable, and doesn’t require a Himalayan cave or a vow of silence (though that does sound tempting during family dinners).

Start Where You Are (Even If It’s on a Wobbly Office Chair)

You don’t need a fancy cushion, an incense stick, or a Spotify playlist of Tibetan gongs. If you’ve got a body, a breath, and about five minutes to spare, you’re ready.

Find a place where you won’t be disturbed—closet, car, bathroom, treehouse. Sit in a way that feels both alert and comfortable. You can sit cross-legged, on a chair, or even lie down (just don’t blame me if you fall asleep and wake up three hours later wondering what dimension you’re in).

Posture: The Noble Sloth Approach

Forget contorting yourself into the lotus position unless you’re secretly a yoga instructor. Sit upright, like a wise sloth who just discovered the meaning of life but is in no rush to share it. Relax your shoulders. Let your hands rest gently on your lap. And if your back starts aching after a while—move! Meditation isn’t punishment.

The Breath Is Your Anchor, Not a Science Project

Now, gently bring your attention to your breath. Don’t try to breathe. You’re already doing it—go you! Just notice it. In. Out. In. Out.

Your job isn’t to control it. You’re just an innocent bystander watching the breath do its thing. Like watching clouds drift by. Or your neighbor's drama through a window.

No judgment, no participation, just observation.

Monkey Mind? Let It Swing

Thoughts will come. “Did I reply to that email?” “What is the meaning of life?” “Do penguins have knees?” That’s okay. That’s what minds do.

When you notice you’re lost in thought (which you will—roughly every 3.2 seconds at first), gently bring your attention back to the breath. No need to scold yourself. Be as gentle as a grandma handing you a cookie.

Remember: every time you catch your wandering mind and come back, that’s a success, not a failure. It’s like doing a rep at the gym—but for your brain.

Final Words from the Imaginary Wise-Old Monk in My Head:

Meditation isn’t about achieving some fancy spiritual state or floating off your cushion while glowing. It’s about showing up. Over and over. Even when you’re bored. Especially when you're stressed. It’s the art of befriending yourself, one breath at a time.

So sit. Breathe. Laugh at your thoughts. Be kind to your mind. You’ve got this.

And if your dog jumps in your lap mid-session—well, perhaps that’s enlightenment in fur.

If you're ever in doubt about whether you're doing it right, remember the wise words of Reddit user u/Flat_Ad_1534:

“Sit upright, close your eyes, and focus on the FLOW of your breath as it flows, feeling the flow on the inside of your nostrils. Place 100% of your attention on the flow of the air as it flows in and out. If thoughts pop into your mind, simply gently brush them aside, and time and time again, bring your attention back to the flow of the breath feeling it flow in and out. If you do this, you are meditating. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Don’t worry about thinking about nothing. Don’t worry about how you’re doing. Just do this.”

In the end, it's not about doing it perfectly; it's about doing it. So, take a seat, take a breath, and begin.

If you are going to be meditating, we know just the meditation timer for you -
Chimey Meditation Timer